To Think How Long She'd Have Gone Without Knowing If Someone Hadn't Told Her!

Today, my roommate Joan received a notice from Sun Trust Bank congratulating her on her recent wedding. They even threw in a gift: a deposit of $100.00 if she opens a "Solid Choice" joint checking account. How thoughtful, seeing as Joan doesn't bank with Sun Trust.

Unfortunately the notification only distressed Joan, as it served to inform her that she missed her own wedding. You see, she had been under the impression this whole time that she was, and is, most decidedly single. At least that's what she's been telling everyone. Imagine her surprise at finding out she was lying! She was a bit shaken, so I helped her compose a reply:

"Dear Sun Trust Bank people,

I'd like to thank you for recognizing my achievement. I understand getting married is quite an ordeal. I have no experience firsthand, but I am told so by friends and family members who have done it. I'm delighted to see that some large bureaucratic companies are still capable of personalizing their services for such magical times.

However, I do wish you had invited me to the wedding. I was not aware that it was happening. I hope carnations were not used in the bouquet, since I detest them. I also hope my Aunt Imelda was not too offended at my absence. Perhaps I will send her a letter. I wonder what sorts of gifts I received?

My whole life I've looked forward to seeing what I look like on that special day, and now I've missed it entirely! Please do send me pictures.

As a suggestion, I think you should add the sending of invitations to your list of services, since many people require one in order to participate in events (myself, for instance). I would have been much more at ease with the idea of a wedding if I'd known about it before I was supposed to be there. As this was not the case, I now have thank-you notes to write for presents I've yet to receive; bills to pay for the reception I did not attend; postcards to send to my family from the honeymoon that happened without me; and a husband I'm sure I've been neglecting.

That being said, I think you'll understand when I insist that your welcome gift of one hundred dollars be doubled. This has been quite an inconvenience to me, but I have faith in the fine people of your establishment to satisfy my needs, and when this happens I can guarantee my loyalty as a customer.

Sincerely,
Joan Harris"