Office mysteries

It's been over a year, and I still find myself stymied by so many mysteries in this office.

For instance, how does the paper towel dispenser in the kitchen actually work? I have to fight to procure even one square, and I simply cannot figure out how to get a new roll set up in it when the old roll runs out. I groan (really--all-out, gut-wrenching groan) when I realize I'm about to use the last available paper towel. Now what? I usually wait till the kitchen has cleared out, check the hall two or three times, then run furtively to the cabinet, grab a new roll, and leave it unwrapped and ready to go right next to the dispenser so someone who actually knows how it works can come in and set it up. I like to think it's really very complicated, but something tells me I'm the only dope here who has no clue.

And which hot water dispenser are we actually suppposed to use? The one in the coffee maker, or the one in the water filter? I've heard conflicting stories, but both make it very clear that one ought always to be used, and never the other. I have to check constantly over my shoulder whenever I use hot water now, terrified that I'll be caught in the act of using the wrong spigot. (And another mystery: what will happen to me if I am caught?)

Another mysery that plagues me: what is the secret to sending faxes? We have a fax machine, and I know it works; I've heard plenty of other people use it. But I can never get it to do what I need. The other day I went to send a fax to the designated "fax number" and somebody answered! Imagine my embarrassment and surprise to hear an impatient male's voice speaking to me through this supposedly mute machine.

Or this curious circumstance: there is always, always, always at least one wadded up paper towel lying on the floor beside the trash can just inside the door of the ladies' restroom. It's a reasonably sized trash can, and never over full. All I can conclude is that someone in this office has terrible aim.

And what is the secret code for ordering office supplies? For instance, Post-it notes. You may not think this very important, but when your entire life happens to be recorded in Post-it notes...well, let me tell you, it becomes tantamount in importance. Yet no matter how many times I fill out the little order sheet, entering what I am sure is the correct combination of numbers and letters, I end up with something else. And what if I want one bottle of white-out, not a full case of it? Or blue ball point pens, not blue highlighters? Well, let's just say my office is now full of supplies I'll never use, and I continue to languish for the supplies I need.

Another mystery: the reading of the pay stub. I'm told it will reveal to me all the secrets of my remaining vacation time. I'm afraid all it really reveals to me are cryptic numbers and letters with odd decimals and the somewhat ambiguous term "balance." Does that mean what I have left, or what I've used up? And what do the numbers mean, anyway? I guess I'll have to put off vacations for a little while longer....